For Those Who Are Lonely This Christmas… I’m thinking about You

This year has been an unique one. I’ve lost an aunt suddenly and it made my heart hurt. I have been thinking about her daughter and grandchildren all year. I haven’t been really close to them and yet at the same time I want to but I don’t know what to say to them. One good thing is though that my other cousin and his wife had an early Christmas gift. Actually, I would say it was a Halloween surprise. They had their son eight weeks early. Yeah, he was supposed to be born around this time. Well, he is fine and I hope to meet him soon. This is a great gift for them because they had a miscarriage early in the year. So with all this tragedy and crazy stuff that happens in life- I know that God has had his hand with this family and through him we can get through the hardships.
So with losing my aunt this year, it made me think about all my friends and family who don’t have their parents to share the holiday season with. I have a list of good friends who lost one of their parents in high school- many to cancer. I have thought about them every year because I don’t want them to blame God. I guess, I think they are blaming God because they are not going to church anymore. It seems like they have let go of God because he let their parents die or maybe that’s what I fear has happened to their relationship with God. Maybe I assumed that they even had a relationship with God because they were going to church- maybe I was wrong. I guess I want to tell them that they are not alone and that God has individual plans for them. God had plans for their parents to make a difference in their lives.  I don’t want to be preachy but if their parents were still alive how would’ve affected their family?

Would’ve it made a difference in their life? I am just thinking about a friend who is older then me- in her fifties who has two sons and two awesome daughter -in-laws and a boat load of grandchildren. She had a brother that succumbed to cancer and I think her mother also died of cancer. She had a rough time with this but I have seen her grow into this fine woman of God. She loves Jesus with all her heart and soul. She is a great person to be around. You know, she doesn’t make lots of money or have a great job but she knows that God will provide for her. She has a husband that takes care of her and she knows that when she volunteers at church – hanging out with the kids- she knows that God has a great plan for her and that she is storing up treasures in heaven. She is good friends with another lady who is a cancer survivor. Just because the one thing that ties the relationship together- not that cancer  but the main thread but because they know Jesus and God are the main foundation of the relationship. Yes, I know you probably hate that I speak of Jesus all of the time but I love him and I know that he can get you through the miscarriages, the illness, the death or whatever the heartache you have but remember that a true friend is out there waiting to help you out. You’ve just gotta have faith.
Before I sign off this year, I want to recommend two songs for you:
1. Not Alone- Family Force Five
2. Every Time You Run- Manafest
This is my wish that you can come to know what it means to have to a friend who will never leave you.

Waiting…

Still waiting… but you know when things get tough- I’ve learned to rely on God. I know that sounds cheesy but it is true. When things get crazy or when scary things happen to shake up our life. We need to trust God and that he has the whole thing under control. I hope that things get better. I hope that I know that God’s plan is not some random plan. I guess, it comes down to what I thought I would be doing isn’t exactly what God wanted me to do. So if I do what God wants me to do– it is going to be crazy and out of the box. It seems that I haven’t been totally relying on him like I thought I would be. I mean seriously, God you want me to do WHAT?
What is that God wants me to do? I’m keeping that mum but I am praying God will get me from here to there. I guess I am supposed to be a woman of God. When I am able to verbally tell you guys what I am to do, I hope you guys can support me and back me up in prayer.
Let’s just say I am going to be making some noise and causing a scene because that is what I do best. I hope that God is calling you to surrender your life to him. He will make lemonade that you never had taste so refreshing.

Bands That You NEED to Listen To And Other random thoughts

Usually I have something intellectual and spiritual to say but this month has been crazy and so right now I am going to keep that to myself. It seems I have a lot of friends who have a diverse background and I don’t want to offend them… so here is a list of new bands that you should check out. Or they are new to me…
1. Icon For Hire
2. Nine Lashes
3. I am empire
4. Sent By Ravens
5. Write This Down
6. Blindside
7. Children 18:3
8. Alabama Capital
9. Remember When
10. A Cry Farewell
The most of the bands have been at The Underground… I don’t know if they have been at 86 Ministries yet… Two good music venues to listen to music. I love music! I love Jesus and I love you!
Okay, so maybe I don’t love you but I need to… Oh and by the way I like guys who have mohawks. Don’t ask me why I think they’re sexy, I just do. Another thing, if you are a guy and you have a tattoo- if you see me looking at your tattoo.. It’s because I like the tattoo. But if you have an amazing voice like all of these lead singers then I might follow you around like a lost puppy:
1. Lifehouse’s lead singer
2. Dakona’s lead singer
3. Anberlin’s lead singer
4. Nine Lashes lead singer
5. Kids In the Way lead singer
You get the picture… I’m not into the country singers…Rascal Flats – I am not a fan sorry. I am waiting on my rock star husband to approach me and go out with me.

Random Thoughts From A Random Girl

So I have been doing a lot of creative writing lately. Or it has been stuck in my head and I am trying to get it all out on paper. Or my computer Keegan. Yes, I named my computer Keegan. I named my IPOD Gideon so sue me. I like making up names and different characters. I like to make the characters come out alive and to feel real and authentic. I like making a story that I can believe in the characters even if the story line or plot line doesn’t make much sense. I want people to come up to me and ask where all this stuff comes from. I would answer in a good fake british accent… “I have spent many years reading Dickens and Charlotte Bronte and many other brilliant writers. I try to wear the shoes that people wear so I can become the character but most of all these Characters are apart of me. The story lines they are just a representation of the world we live in. It’s not perfect and neither are we.” Then I would go and turn on my radio and rock out to really loud music. Well, because that is who I am. I am a creative rock star/artist/writer/ WOMAN OF GOD… one day I am going to get those voice lessons and learn how to play the guitar really awesome. I don’t want to give up on life. I want to enjoy it and bring joy to others. I want people to see the light. I want to be the light. I want people to see Jesus in me. He is my rock, he is my savior and he totally awesome when I am scared out of my mind or when darkness falls. I cannot let the world defeat me.. I am strong but I am only strong in Christ. He is my salvation. He is the only reason I am still alive because at the age of 17 I had a choice. To live or give up. I chose to live. Giving up is for people who fear that they have no choice. There is a choice and there is hope. I want to spread that word to my fellow friends and strangers because I want to walk into a community and build roots of love, friendship, trust and protection for the hope of the new generation. I want to make people realize that there is hope out there. Once you get it the love and joy will surround you. Maybe finally you will be at peace. I don’t know, but I hope one day I can say with humility– I changed somebody’s life for the good.

Building A Community Part 2

How do you know if you are building a good and quality of friends? I like to think that when you start building friendships that friends are there to build you up and not to tear you down. Do you have a group of friends like that? Do you have someone who you could turn to and trust when you are feeling down? Do you have a group of friends that will help you through the troubled times? A group of friends that you can stand on the same belief system and yet at the same time you feel like you are not part of a group of friends that bring you down? Proverbs 17:17- read it… Do you have a friend that loves at all times? Do you have a friend that you consider like a brother? Someone that you would lay your life down for?
So what does this have to with building a community? If you have a community of friends or a small group in which you can talk to or listen to. Then you are slowly building a community of friends. Having friends will get you far in life as long as you are building bridges and not building up walls. Therefore you can go out into the real world and start building the community you are destined to build.
Can I tell you a secret? When I am able to buy a house, I want to get a group of friends to take over a community and share God’s love. I like to think of if as hippie meets small groups meets the church equals success. That’s why I have been talking about building a community. It just depends on how your community looks like or where the heart of the community is. My community’s foundation is to be based on the biblical foundations that God’s love is the foundation and Jesus’s sacrifice for our sins is our real reason to grow. That is what I think my purpose is in life. I don’t wanna be a millionaire… I just want to live a life that shows that I am building a community of friends. Cause having friends are a good:)

Building a Community: Part One

So I have decided on building community is important for me to do because it is part of God’s plan. I love hanging out with my youth group but at the same time I love hanging out with the different volunteers and leaders. It gives me a since of friendship and hanging out with people. I totally want to be a good leader and sometimes you have to be with the people who are in the role of leadership to know what it takes to be a good leader. Sometimes being a good leader means to be able to give and follow directions, be  a part of a good team, and be a good team member in itself. With the chaos of the economy and the world around us. Things tend to get scary but a good leader is someone who helps you out with things when you are in a middle of a storm and you are afraid of the lightning and thundering. They are able to bring you back and tell you that everyone and everything is okay. A good leader possesses the skills to be able to make sure that the boat is not going to tip and that the canoe is not going toward the trees. I witnessed this yesterday, a friend of mine and I went canoeing with my youth group and she possessed those characteristics. She is a teacher and I can see she can handle stress very well. She is able to be able to go along for the ride and not be in control but when things happen she is able to help others without freaking out. That is what it means to be a good leader.

What does this have to do with building a community? To build a community, you have to  have a leader that will be able to encompass what it means to be a team. A community of friends living in a lower income neighborhood to spread God’s love is really important to me. That’s why when we are given these lemons and we don’t know what to do with them, we need to figure out who is our leader. I know that I hope that our ultimate leader that we go to and ask questions is God but it is who God delegates to be the leader or leaders in this world. I want to see not only lemonade being made but what about a lemon meringue pie. Something so sweet and delicious that nobody saw coming. I am not asking for us to become a cult but I am asking for others who are like me who feel like God is calling them to go out into community as a community of friends. That’s what I hope for. That’s what I want. I want people to see us for who we really are: Follower’s of Christ who live a simple life. No big house and a fancy car. Not a poor person begging for money but some one who wants to open their hearts for others to see Jesus. That’s what it means to be part of the community.

The Summer Is On… But the Heat Is Getting To Me

Right now I am having a few weeks of being up and down. I feel like my emotional state in life is unbalanced. No matter how hard I try I want to be a better person, but there is a big stumbling block in front of me. I am facing failure like it’s a new thing but in reality it has to do with the K drop aka the catalog drop at IKEA in August is making me sweat. I am getting grumpy and I am very emotional. I am very high and low and it makes me think that I don’t do well with stress. Plus, trying to make a budget so I can pay bills and do the things I want is also stressing me out. I can’t go to the Underground to listen to music because I don’t have money. I don’t have the resources to plan ahead to volunteer at the Underground and get in free. I also am having this I hate being alone and listening to really loud music alone. After going to Alive Festival two years ago I realized that I need a boyfriend or friends who likes that kind of music. It’s just that I am waiting on God to send me my husband and right now, I want to have share my stressful moments with him. I know God is a good God and I rely on him for so much. I am at this time where I want to be a person who doesn’t want to be alone. All my friends are married, have kids, getting married or dating and then there is me. Hello… I am a loser. I am alone. I feel like at work I have no one who really understands me because they are at different stages in their lives or different ages. Or to have a blast go get drunk and laugh about it on facebook. That’s just not me. I want to be in a community of friends who passionately love Jesus with all their heart and soul. I want to build friendships with people who don’t mind having a game night and drinking pop. Yes, I said pop. Not alcohol but pop. I want to build a community of friends that want to live in a community that is not totally unsafe or run down but a place that is not for the rich folk. I don’t want to be one of those snobby people who have all the money but spend on nothing that matters. There are people who have lost their jobs, their family members, who are on the verge of suicide or like Amy Winehouse have struggled with addiction. I want to be in a community that helps those people not become one of those people. I feel like society needs a facelift but also I think the Christian community needs to be more opened to those who are in need. Like I said for my New Year’s motivation would be Luke 4:18 which says:
18 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”[a]

Sometimes I feel it is hard for me to do these things when I get stressed or knocked down. I am trying not to let the world get me down but it is hard when I feel alone in this dark world where hope lingers out there but sometimes things don’t easily come as they should. I want to build a real authentic friendships that has nothing to do with facebook. I want friends that I can actually sit and have a great conversation about the demise of the soaps or what kind of music they enjoy or what kind books they like to read. I am craving friendship/community/dating…. until next time…

Coming Back Home and Letting Go Of The Past

This last year I learned about myself. I tend to runaway from things when the tough gets going. I still dream of wonderful things and know that my creativity has made me an unique person. I try to be a good role model even though my imperfections shine bright. People have come into my life and I realized that l have sometimes taken them for granted. Sometimes I wish I could be everyone’s best friend. I want to be their best friend. Those walls need to be broken down and they need to let people in. I want to be there for them. I just don’t know how. It is funny because I have known them for over twenty years now. For one example, I want to be friends with a person at my church. It is so hard to be friends with her. No matter what I say or do- I feel like I am stepping on broken glass. I see the wall which is in front of her and it is thick and I can barely see her. I desperately want to be her friend. She has children of her own. She has a good husband who takes care of her. She only lets a few people in. I never wanted to be her friend. It’s since I have been back at this church for the last two to three years that I realize that maybe it is not about me. I need to think of others. So I am letting go of the past, piece by piece. I am trying to be a better person because one day I want to build a community of friends who go into the community to change the world. I still believe that it can be done with one friend at a time. I am trying to let people into my life as well. It goes both ways…

Soundtrack Of My LIfe: A Song Will Ever Be With Me

The Song- Creep by Radiohead
The Story. Everyone has a story. The song changed my life. It happened in August 1993. Spending the night with a group of friends at someone’s house. I had just overcame back surgery. I was an awkward teenager with a back brace, braces on my teeth and I did I mention that i was an gawky teenage girl? Well, that song changed my life because I realized that seemed to be the transition from my love from R&B music. It also was the time when I realized that I was a hopeless romantic.
The Scene: A boy and girl stand outside in the driveway late at night talking to each other with the song playing. They were friends of the girl who at the house we were staying at that night. The guy’s truck (or vehicle) played that song kinda loud. They kept talking to each other while the rest of the girls stood in the house watching the scene go down. After a good half hour guy leaves. Girl is sad. We put that song on and we played it over and over for the rest of the night. Honestly, I hoped that they would be a couple but then again I was confused. I thought she liked someone else and he liked someone else. It seemed like a high school drama.
That’s also the night I realized that I didn’t belong with that group. I realized that they were older and they did things that made me feel out of place. I kinda felt like a creep. I felt like a loser. I didn’t do the things that they did and I was too Christian. Funny, because I looked up to them. I really wanted to be their friends. I guess, I realized it was too late for that. I wonder if that song resonated with them or did it just change my life? I’m so very special… I’m a creep….

A Moment Of Reflection

Looking back at things that has happened to me in the last few months has been life changing. I am ever thankful and growing. I am not the same person I was. I hope that you see a different person. I realize that I have been to focused on changing the world that I forgot about me. I am rested and my priorities have changed. I want to use my creative talents to make the world a better place. I hope that will change the world. I realize that everyone doesn’t listen to my cool music. Right now I am listening to BonVoyage “Kiss My Lips”. My sister Jill will hate this song because of the girls whiny soft voice. I am okay with that. But you have to admit the guitars and drums rock. I like rock music. It will ever be in my blood like Jesus. He died on the cross for our sins. The fact that he rose up from the grave means something… we are not following a dead man like some people are today. If you watch the actors and singers- sometimes they are dead because they have foundation in nothing with meaning. We need to stop thinking that money will provide us with happiness. We need to realize that God will provide the money for our needs. Sometimes we are given generous amounts of money. Sometimes we need to give it away for those who are needy. I know when I am able to give money or time away I will. I am trying to be a good servant. It is hard because I want so many things from IKEA which I don’t really need at this time. I need to help out Compassion International, World Vision, To Write Love On Her Arms, The Underground and 86 Ministries. I need to donate more and think of what I need. I know that God has provided me with so much I don’t need anything else but what he is going to give me. I know that I don’t have to be rich. I don’t want to be poor but I don’t want to be stingy and selfish. It’s time to be selfless. I need to sacrifice things also. My loving Savior didn’t die on the cross for nothing.